It's 2019.. which almost comes to and end.
Ok here goes thoughts of the day;
Number 1:
I've never met anyone who asked me such blunt question directly, no beat around the bush whatsoever, WITH A STRAIGHT SERIOUS FACE this-is-a life-and-death-question where your answer should only be yes or no, or in this case I do have, or I do not. Eyes right into mine & a bullet of golden question fired away. I should be baffled by that question asked in that very moment & air. But I guess it's because that handsome, smart, religiously good doc guy who asked me that super blunt question is already married, my baffle-ness stopped before it got fired away along the synapses in my brain.
Anyway, I was impressed by my brain at which I (the slowpoke) surprisingly understood at once the very blunt-outofnowhere-atnocontextexplained-single question & answers it right away, objectively, straight to the point, as straight as his question was.
No explanation found as to why he asked me that question. I'm learning to take care of my mental health, so yeah not giving much thoughts of the why's. I wouldn't ever know anyway unless I asked him. Don't make assumptions. Because that is the root of overthinking. Not cool. Fullstop.
Which brings me to point Number 2:
Coming to the issue of mental health, we're living in the era where physical public health is getting better, but mental health is declining at a very concerning rate. I wouldn't even imagine I would be having people close to me having this kind of problem. I mean the scope where it's not just one or two people. Its more & some of these are people close to me. People dear to me.
How mental health problem has changed people. These people are no longer themselves, or at least them that I used to know. It's not just about "people changed", its about people losing themselves.
These people; are people dear to me. I'm seriously concern about them. But what is it I can do if they themselves shut themselves up from people.
I know it's hard. I know I would never be able to understand them & the things they're going through, but I want them to know I'm here. We're here; people who love you. and I wish they can understand what this really means.
Which then brings me to point Number 3:
Mental health are no joke. Sometimes I feel like losing my mind over things I shouldn't. People & things alike. Ahah. It feels hard to keep staying afloat with so many things I had juggling in mind. Things that bother and worries me. Trying to be nice to people, feeling bad when I don't & how much guilt I felt when what I did (not good in this context) affected those innocent people.
The anxious monster that kept tailing me.
Most are like what its called; in my mind. Not that they doesn't exist, but you just had to complicate it, instead of simplify. Well not that they're simplifiable, or actually complicated as per se, but having to direct them in any of the way is beyond a chosen-doable. I wonder why.
Which then brings me to point Number 4:
I'm scared. I'm scared at how I'm going in this scary world. Turns out there are more than just black and white in life. And in this grey area, the shades are a lot more hectic, and rough.
- People had to make tough decisions whether to stay or leave. Why stay when the politics, trust and humanity are so haywire? So once they left, it's on them to carry on with a fresh new start, back from zero. Years of hardwork got flushed down just like that. How devastating it must have been.
- A new system was made. But the system wasn't properly executed I would say. Not everyone was well informed, messages got cut. Then you got sound for not following the system. Oh sorry, what system was it again?
- yada yada yada.
I'm so naive. I don't know so many things about life, yet have the gut to talk about the ideals. The romantics of life.
How dare you!
So I fall, kneeling down to life begging for a spare because a life is yet another chance I would want to keep- with anxiousness, tailing right behind me while I'm trying to keep my eyes up front.
So,
Okay I guess that's all for tonight. What my messy mind had in right now. Seems like a joker-batman mind somehow now that I think about it, shuffling from light into darkness and vice versa.
Well.
.
.
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p/s: Do I even have a right to ask for a white knight in shining armor to save me? ..Because ideally they say, save yourself first- because how can you pour from an empty cup?
