A 2019 first (& most probably last) post.

It's 2019.. which almost comes to and end. 

Ok here goes thoughts of the day;

Number 1:

I've never met anyone who asked me such blunt question directly, no beat around the bush whatsoever, WITH A STRAIGHT SERIOUS FACE this-is-a life-and-death-question where your answer should only be yes or no, or in this case I do have, or I do not. Eyes right into mine & a bullet of golden question fired away. I should be baffled by that question asked in that very moment & air. But I guess it's because that handsome, smart, religiously good doc guy who asked me that super blunt question is already married, my baffle-ness stopped before it got fired away along the synapses in my brain. 

Anyway, I was impressed by my brain at which I (the slowpoke) surprisingly understood at once the very blunt-outofnowhere-atnocontextexplained-single question & answers it right away, objectively, straight to the point, as straight as his question was. 

No explanation found as to why he asked me that question. I'm learning to take care of my mental health, so yeah not giving much thoughts of the why's. I wouldn't ever know anyway unless I asked him. Don't make assumptions. Because that is the root of overthinking. Not cool. Fullstop.

Which brings me to point Number 2:

Coming to the issue of mental health, we're living in the era where physical public health is getting better, but mental health is declining at a very concerning rate. I wouldn't even imagine I would be having people close to me having this kind of problem. I mean the scope where it's not just one or two people. Its more & some of these are people close to me. People dear to me. 

How mental health problem has changed people. These people are no longer themselves, or at least them that I used to know. It's not just about "people changed", its about people losing themselves. 

These people; are people dear to me. I'm seriously concern about them. But what is it I can do if they themselves shut themselves up from people. 

I know it's hard. I know I would never be able to understand them & the things they're going through, but I want them to know I'm here. We're here; people who love you. and I wish they can understand what this really means. 

Which then brings me to point Number 3:

Mental health are no joke. Sometimes I feel like losing my mind over things I shouldn't. People & things alike. Ahah. It feels hard to keep staying afloat with so many things I had juggling in mind. Things that bother and worries me. Trying to be nice to people, feeling bad when I don't & how much guilt I felt when what I did (not good in this context) affected those innocent people. 

The anxious monster that kept tailing me. 

Most are like what its called; in my mind. Not that they doesn't exist, but you just had to complicate it, instead of simplify. Well not that they're simplifiable, or actually complicated as per se, but having to direct them in any of the way is beyond a chosen-doable. I wonder why.

Which then brings me to point Number 4:

I'm scared. I'm scared at how I'm going in this scary world. Turns out there are more than just black and white in life. And in this grey area, the shades are a lot more hectic, and rough. 

• People had to make tough decisions whether to stay or leave. Why stay when the politics, trust and humanity are so haywire? So once they left, it's on them to carry on with a fresh new start, back from zero. Years of hardwork got flushed down just like that. How devastating it must have been.
• A new system was made. But the system wasn't properly executed I would say. Not everyone was well informed, messages got cut. Then you got sound for not following the system. Oh sorry, what system was it again?
• yada yada yada.

I'm so naive. I don't know so many things about life, yet have the gut to talk about the ideals. The romantics of life. 

How dare you! 

So I fall, kneeling down to life begging for a spare because a life is yet another chance I would want to keep- with anxiousness, tailing right behind me while I'm trying to keep my eyes up front. 

So,

Okay I guess that's all for tonight. What my messy mind had in right now. Seems like a joker-batman mind somehow now that I think about it, shuffling from light into darkness and vice versa.

Well. 

.

.

.

p/s: Do I even have a right to ask for a white knight in shining armor to save me? ..Because ideally they say, save yourself first- because how can you pour from an empty cup? 

Assalamualaikum.

Right now, I'm supposedly in the middle of revising and repairing my term paper. But somehow I am led to this place and started writing.

I once had a Pakteh, whom of course I cherish and love and grateful to for what he had done to me, how he had taken care of me, his niece. He was a great uncle. He's comfortable to be around, like my Pak Cha', Mak Njang, Paklang and Paksu, he's a person whom with I can just be me. Makteh once told me a story about Pakteh;

She once asked him, why he chose her when she's not a beauty or a brainy. 

(Well, to me my Makteh is a beautiful and smart woman. She's comfortable to be with, and I can fit in well with her. I like her.)

So he told her,

"beauty is a subjective".

He must have chose her for who she is. For what's inside instead of outside. Being a charismatic, handsome guy who used to be fancied by lots of girls, he does not look for beauty. After married, he was the sweetest and most considerate husband I had ever seen to his wife. I know Pakteh and Makteh are two people who are meant for each other. Even after so many years they always look over each other's back.

Now that he's gone, it's just Makteh alone taking care of her children. I know it's not easy for her. It must've been hard. Must have. I'm crying my eyes out as I'm writing this. Today, I saw Makteh's whatsapp DP. It's of her and Pakteh. I can see true love there. She's so lucky to have found such a great guy. 

"Nobody's perfect, but they make perfect for each other."

I know Allah is writing a beautiful love story for me too. Whether in this world or the next, may we both love for the sake of Allah. 

The PakTeh that had gone to meet his creator, I miss him. She misses him. They miss him. We all miss him. May Allah bless Pakteh's soul. and may Allah bless us all here too. May Allah grant us the chance to meet again in the akhirah. Ameen.

A "no" because I love.

Went out with lil sister last night. She put up cute, pity look and whisper to me;

"Kakak, beli la henfon kat adik satu.. naih kak?"

The only lil sister I had, the most beautiful, cute, smart, adorable (can as well be a little bit annoying at times.but then that's what little sister do), sweet and lovable lil sister ever, to me of course. I love her so much almost as much as I love my mom (sorry sis, mom's place is the highest after Allah & Rasullullah).

I smiled, and said to her;

"Nak ambik duit mana, kakak mana ada duit"

Not because I'm currently unemployed or non-self-employed that money is an issue. That's a whole other topic. Money isn't really an issue, it can be worked out. 

That statement uttered at that time was just a simple escape to a question considered as just-saying question. But really, after we got back home I really seriously thought of buying one for her. Because she's my very much loved lil sister, I want to give her everything she want, I want to make her happy. 

But then if I gave her everything she want, that wont be love anymore. The 11-years-old girl would be immersed in gaming if she got her own tablet/handphone. It already is quite not an easy task (if I have to range, I'll say mild) to not let her playing with mom's and dad's phablets. Surely it'll be tougher if she had her own tablet/phone/phablet.

So what's the big deal if a kid is attached to gadget? So far the lil sis isn't very much attached to gadget, but surely if she is, over time it'll affect her vision, might lead to vision impairment maybe? I don't want to rant about other side effects of gadgets on kids, we can all think or read about it everywhere. Kids should be exposed to their real life environmental surrounding a lot more than digital world. Of course since it is the age of digital, they shouldn't be allowed to not use/learn about it. But it should be under control.

As for my dear lil sis, I'm proud that her exposure to such worlds are well balanced. Unlike me, she's socially good with people as well as well acquainted with the digital world of technologies, TV's, internet etc. She make well use of them. She's good the way she is now.

-Loving someone does not mean you should give them everything they want. Loving someone is caring for what they need, even though you have to say no sometimes, because your rational-older-mind-with-little-bit-more-matured-way-of-thinking should be able to foresee pieces of what's good and what's not-


Assalamualaikum.

it's 2015.

Assalamua'laikum.

So here how it goes. Its been like a million years since I've come to this old "note-cottage". Basically I might even had forgotten about it. Wait, yes I did actually. HAHA. Today, somehow, I feel like visiting this "place", and hence the creation of this post. I read through some of my old posts, and I can't help but to laugh at some of them. Laughing at how immature I am back then. 

How over time, every single things that have shaped me to who I am right now have changed me (well basically I just wanna say how I've changed over the million-years of hiatus. I don't know if hiatus is even the appropriate word to use since blogging is not even a continuous things I'm working on or even am interest in. and I don't even know why I'm taking an argument over this insignificant thing. I might be regretting this when I'm reading this in the future. What a waste of time)

Anyway, the reason for this post is because.....TARAA~!

...

krik..krik..krikk..

no reason really.

I just feel like writing something. using alphabet like A, B, C, D, E, F,,...Z. Just that this post somehow came out as logically-spelled words. aha.

OK. stop it me.

***

I should come out with better stuffs next time. Something beneficial for the human race at least.

*standing proudly on the peak of the highest imagination for 2 seconds* 

OK seriously I need to stop.

Hati Itu Rindu..

Hati itu rindu

walau hanya sebentar

atau sedikit cuma

perkenalan di dunia

pada mereka yang turut merindukan Dia.

Hati itu rindu

walau sejauh mana hati dibawa

namun kasih tetap dirasa

tanpa sebarang ungkapan

pada mereka keluarga tersayang.

Hati itu rindu

tika segenap waktu

suatu rasa yang datang

mengetuk rindu di hati

pada dia sang pemilik rusuk.

walau sejauh mana hati itu pegi

biar sekuat mana hati itu berlari

walau terkala hati tersasar

jatuh dan hilang

tidak dapat dikesan GPS

dalam setiap degupan jantung

jauh di sudut jiwa

hati itu rindu

untuk kembali

pada Dia pemilik segala isi dunia.

Dia yg Kusayang di Sana.

Kadang2 terasa aneh bagaimana suatu perhubungan atau kasih sayang itu tercipta. Kan? 

Kasih syg yg terjalin kerana-Nya. 

Melalui blog beliau, aku mula mengenali insan ini. dulu zaman sekolah, kenal muka je. comel. pandai. suka dia. tapi tak pernah kenal beliau, diri beliau yg sebenar. beberapa tahun berlalu, dan terbaca blog beliau. 

MasyaAllah. 

Aku menangis membaca tulisannya. setiap yg diceritakan, yg disampaikan buat air mata aku tak berhenti mengalir. basah je pipi aku membaca setiap post2 beliau. bait2 kata yg mendalam. menyentuh lembut hati ini. 

Kisah yg disampaikan buat aku inspire, buat aku bersyukur atas setiap nikmat yg Allah berikan. Betapa banyaknya. super tak terkira. bukan aku tak tahu atau tak terfikir, tapi sebagai manusia yg alpa, aku lupa. itu sebabnya sebagai manusia, kita kena salalu diingatkan. terima kasih kamu di sana, atas ingatan yg diberikan. 

lembut. cukup lembut dan menyenangkan. warm je. 

Sepanjang perkenalan melalui blog & fb beliau, i started to developed a kind of kasih for her. kasih sayang yg terbina kerana-Nya. Subhanallah. Aneh kan? tak pernah jumpa, tak pernah bercakap.. bila semakin kenal, semakin sayang kepadanya - sebagai seorang hamba Allah, seorang akhawat. sayang kepadanya kerana Allah. Sungguh. 

Semoga kamu baik2 di sana, di mana pun kamu berada. semoga kamu dan keluarga kamu sentiasa di bawah lindungan rahmatNya. ameen.

=')

Assalamualaikum!

The sky - my all time favourite! 

surah amalan harian

Assalamualaikum ne~ hee^^ 

iman manusia ni ada naik turunnya. as for me, even some quote, or new knowledge would help increase this little iman of this little being =) jom tengok kelebihan2 these few surah yg kita salu amalkan ni.

Al-Mulk: This is one of my fave surah. jgn lupa baca every night ye~! ^^

Hepi beramal! =D